You’ll undoubtedly check the weather, your schedule, and hopefully your privilege before planning any activities this summer. However, it is imperative to consider what the planets have in store for you also, as one can only imagine how disastrous a trip to the beach would be should hot-tempered Mars be clashing with the god Poseidon, obviously resulting in a shark attack that might later be turned into a semi-inspirational independent film.
Let’s take a closer look at what will most definitely be happening to you this summer:
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Oh, Aries. You will unfortunately be surfing into the blazing heat of summer on a road wave of disappointment. You know what you did. However, just as you crash upon the sandy shores like a washed up piece of driftwood, so too will Mars crash into the moon, changing everything completely. Be mindful that a waxing gibbous moon in mid July will signify a rebirth in your non-existent love life. Expect a new relationship to flourish with the vivacity of a monocarpic plant. Unfortunately, an evil waning crescent moon in August will send negative vibrations, causing your partner to be frightened by your incessant sleep-talking. After a half-asleep, whispered summary of that night’s episode of Dateline, the romance will perish like the unsuspecting wife of the sociopathic husband. However, another rebirth will occur when Mars enters your fifth astrological house, in the form of an eHarmony account. Remember, Aries, that these relationships struggles are only strengthening your ability to recognize the fact that you are actually the problem.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you will begin the summer hungry for adventure and strangely thirsty for a Diet Pepsi. Luckily, your ruling planet, Venus, will collide with a full moon towards the end of June, reducing the airfare of JetBlue tickets, thus enabling you to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. It is on the tropical shores of somewhere that you will reinvent yourself by having locals take planned-candid photos of you for your travel blog. You will return home with a false sense of worldliness that will bode well with the Mercury in retrograde that occurs in August. During this time, it is vital to be open to new, tempting opportunities that have the potential to utterly destroy your life. Things have been going too good for you, Taurus, and it’s high time you found yourself in a disaster. Finally, as the lush green leaves begin to brown, this situation will resolve itself with some help from Venus, as she enters your sixth astrological house. This illumination of your career-driven house will force you to realize that blogging about your recent trip to Disneyland is not lucrative enough, even though those pictures with Chip and Dale are adorably whimsical and age inappropriate.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini, this is going to be the best summer of your entire life, although you know deep down that that’s not saying all that much. Nevertheless, there will be a miraculous mix of the yin/yang in mid July that will ignite a dramatic change in the way you carry yourself. People will begin to see you differently, and only some of that has to do with your new forehead tattoo. The new moon in early August will sync up miraculously with the setting sun, igniting your inherent need for attention. This may or may not force you to post a Transformation Tuesday with a before picture of Honey Boo Boo’s mother to highlight the supposed millions of pounds you have lost so people can comment about how amazing you look. Mercury will be in retrograde around August 10, which will prove to be an excellent time for your love life to flourish in all the wrong ways. Keep swiping on Tinder, for your knight in shining armor might just appear at your doorstep, unannounced and in need of a bath. He will say all the right things like, “I’ve been watching you from the street since you moved in,” wooing into the next dark chapter of your life.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This is the summer to find your fleak, Cancer! And by fleak, I mean birth mother. A lunar eclipse around July 5 will spur a Harry Potter weekend, but you must avoid staying inside immersed in the wonderful world of Hogwarts at all costs. This will be difficult, but it is imperative you use this window of 19 hours and 40 minutes to find your soulmate. The moon has much to do with you, but during this period of time, the man on the moon will be too busy making feverish love to Venus to care. Use this unsupervised time wisely, beautiful Cancer, and get yourself out there. Also, be warned of a blood-thirsty Mars that will collide with the full moon in early August. This might cause for an argument with a frenemy, but do not let this get to you. To quote the prophet Taylor Swift, “People throw rocks at things that shine.” Know that you are as shiny as Howie Mandel’s freshly shaved head and do not have time for such childish nonsense during this summer of finding your fleak. Proceed to the nearest metaphorical dance floor and dance like Mars is not making an aggressive B-line towards your eighth astrological house.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
There will be much you wish you could say in mid June, poor Leo, but the duct tape covering your mouth will temporarily prevent you. While there is nothing wrong with being quiet, the tape is a red flag, symbolic of your ongoing inability to connect with others. You might also want to contact the local authorities. You are ruled by the Sun, which will enter your tenth house to create new opportunities in your career. The doors will be opened, leading you not only out of the room you have been held hostage in, but also perhaps to a work promotion. The man on moon will spend an extended period of time on Mars avoiding obligations, which will grant you a newfound freedom you have not experienced since the kidnapping. You are justifiably a bit tense, so it might be best to start engaging in physical activities as an outlet. Try things like riding a bike, jogging, or punching holes into walls. Take a few deep breaths and rest easy knowing that there is an oncoming waxing gibbous moon that holds the potential to grant you the strength you need to break up with your current wireless provider.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You have a long ways to go, sweet Virgo, as evidenced by your FitBit. You might find yourself in need of some motivation at the start of the summer, but a crater will strike the moon, sending the positivity and inspiration you need to get up from binge-watching House of Cards. Around July 7, you will feel yourself more inspired than ever. Whether it’s painting a nude mural of Neil Patrick Harris on your living room wall or cry-jogging, you will find ways to make everything you do enjoyable and productive. You might feel this surge of motivation waning around August 1, however, which might cause you to make some self-destructive decisions, like drunk texting your ex who broke up with you by singing outside your window. Mercury will laugh with delight as you drudge up the past via text, but will activate your first astrological house because it feels bad for you. Finally, your summer will end with a dramatic reveal that will make you extremely uncomfortable, but make sure to keep an open mind and closed mouth, like the one our friend Leo was forced to keep.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You are naturally shy, gentle Libra, but this summer will bring about many instances where you need to speak up. In order to get amped up for these moments, it is best to listen to the soundtrack of Les Miserables for roughly six hours in a locked room with the lights off. Once the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drum, you can finally scream at the good-for-nothing punks to get off your lawn. You are ruled by Venus, harmonious Libra, and you will find love in the most unexpected of places, such as alleyways and, strangely, your doctor’s office waiting room. This will be a Danny and Sandy kind of summer romance, save for the excessive cigarette smoking and hand-jives. Clearly, it is destined for complete failure. Venus will begin its retrograde motion around July 31, sending you the wisdom to know that you are better off alone and that Sandy always truly was out of that leather-clad slacker’s league. August will bring forth the opportunity to meet new people, but one of them will be sent by the evil emperor of Neptune to destroy you. The moon’s orbit points to you as the one who must figure out who this person is before it is too late. Hint: It’s Chad.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio. Before the summer begins, you should have a spa day and get an exorcism, in that order. You are much too tightly wound to fully enjoy all of the pleasurable things in your life. Thankfully, Pluto will be in retrograde in late July, bringing forth many opportunities for travel. You might feel hesitant to embark on any trip due to your status on the No Fly List, but don’t let this prevent you from experiencing new things. You might feel like you’re in a rut in early August, thanks to a good-for-nothing waxing crescent moon, but this feeling of stagnation will pass within a week. August will be a month to get a little reckless, Scorpio. Get in a car with someone you don’t know, rob a bank, or eat three M&M’s on your cheat day. The moon will enter your fourth astrological house, illuminating you inherent need for adrenaline, so it’s time to get crazy. Unfortunately, a waning crescent moon in late August signifies getting into some trouble with the law, but you’ll most likely finagle a way out by pleading affluenza.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius, this summer will be one of new opportunity and Old English. A Jupiter in retrograde will make you fall for a pilgrim re-enactor who works on a reconstructed Mayflower at Plimoth Plantation under the name Everard, meaning, “brave as a boar.” He will speak strictly in Anglo-Saxon for the duration of the romance so as not to break character. Unfortunately, a moon in your practical sixth house will enlighten your decisions with a wisdom that had previously been lacking, allowing you to end this romance with your dignity only somewhat intact. A full moon in August will send luck your way, so this might be an excellent time to go to a casino and bet your mortgage on a game of poker even though you’ve only played roughly one or two times online. Jupiter will also collide with the moon in late August, creating conflict between you and a loved one. Just remember, no matter how many times she slept with your husband, she’s still your second cousin.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Capricorn, when you hear a knock at the door this summer, be sure to answer it. A much needed father figure will appear on your doorstep in the form of a screaming Jehovah’s Witness. Invite him in and let him tell you what kind of sick life you are leading because God knows you are living in sin. This is the religious slap in the face you need to realize that your life needs some shaking up. Fortunately, the constellation of Capricornus will align, paving the way for new opportunities in your social life. You need to start saying “yes,” or at the very least, “maybe” to more things. Opportunities will arise for you to go to a lot of social events you won’t want to attend, like your sister’s wedding, but you’re the maid of honor so suck it up and write the most moving, passionate, passive-aggressive speech your extended family has ever heard.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The summer would be a great time to call your mother, Aquarius. There is no astrological reason for this, but just do it immediately. Uranus, stop laughing, is in retrograde in late June, which will cause for you to feel like there is something those around you are not telling you. Is this a secret that will ruin you? Do you have something in your teeth? Are you actually beautiful? Try to read lips or walk very slowly past people who are conversing to pick up bits and pieces. By the beginning of August, you’ll have picked up enough in passing to understand that everyone has been just been talking about their distaste for you in general. August will be a time to surround yourself with new people who will like you for who you are, or at least for the person you pretend to be. Also, expect a Snapchat that ironically uses the dog face filter on August 27 to permanently destroy you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Remember, Pisces, heavy is the head that wears a Burger King crown out of the restaurant. An unexpected waning gibbous moon on July 8 will tear you down emotionally, making you feel like you are not as amazing as you once thought you were. In the words of the venerable Coldplay, you used to rule the world; seas would rise when you gave the word, but now in the morning you sleep alone and sweep the streets you thought you owned because you were so high. Luckily, Neptune, your ruling planet and also, fun fact, the Roman god of the sea, will flow into your first astrological house, rising the tide to heighten your sense of self. You’re not one to stay down for long, Pisces, unless there is a shooter demanding you do so. August will be a month of new discoveries, the first of which being that the pizza guy knows your name and order from merely your phone number, which obviously means that he is super into you. A new love interest will ignite your once weakened self esteem, only to crush it completely via Twitter on August 29.